Emotionally Focused Therapy
TURN BLAME INTO UNDERSTANDING — AND DISTANCE INTO CLOSENESS
In-Person in Santa Monica & Online Across California
You and your partner need more than new communication tricks.
You need a way to break
the cycle you’re stuck in — and reconnect on a deeper level.
The two of you have tried talking it through, avoiding talking completely, and maybe even talking to a therapist — but somehow you still end up stuck in the same loop. A simple conversation about the dishes turns into “you don’t appreciate me.” One of you gets louder, the other shuts down, and suddenly you’re strangers under the same roof. It’s disheartening to try so hard to meet in the middle and still feel miles apart.
That’s why Emotionally Focused Therapy can be so powerful — it goes beyond talking in circles and helps you both hear what’s not being said.
EFT is a good fit for you if you…
Is EFT right for you?
Feel like you’re always walking on eggshells, worried that the smallest thing might set off conflict.
Are living with the weight of a betrayal, of hurtful things that can’t be unsaid, or a growing distance you don’t know how to repair.
Miss the closeness you used to have — the kind where you could reach for each other without hesitation.
Want to feel emotionally safe enough to share your needs without worrying it’ll get thrown in your face later.
Are tired of surface-level advice and band-aid solutions, and want to finally understand what the real problem is.
Still believe in your relationship, but are starting to lose hope for how to fix it
EFT is a research-backed approach that provides a roadmap to rebuilding connection, one conversation at a time.
It helps couples move from reactivity to safety, and gives them a shared language for repair—one that rebuilds trust instead of eroding it.
Instead of rushing to solve the problem or decide who’s right, we slow down, find new perspectives, and actually learn to hear what you’re trying to tell each other. This process doesn't involve “fixing” one partner or memorizing scripted lines for when an argument starts.
(If that’s what you’re looking for, you won’t find it here.)
EFT helps you get to the root of why you disconnect — and create a secure, more attuned bond you can both trust.
Here’s what that process can look like when we work together.
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In the beginning, our work is about slowing down the conversation enough to see what’s really happening between you. When I can tell you’re on the verge of getting swept up into a recurring fight, I’ll stop you and help you notice what triggered it. I might say something like “Can I step in for a second? Let’s see if we can take this somewhere new.”
Then, I’ll prompt each of you to notice what’s happening inside before reacting. We’ll put words to the feelings that come up, so you can start to see the pattern for what it is—an unmet need. That clarity sets the stage for the next step: learning new ways to reach for each other in the moments that matter most -
This is where we’ll practice having new kinds of conversations, and where the transformation really begins. Instead of raising your voice or going silent, I’ll help you share the softer, more vulnerable emotions underneath that urge—like “I feel scared I don’t matter to you.” I’ll guide your partner to listen and respond in a new way, so the cycle starts to loosen its grip.
In session, I might say, “This is a moment where you could reach for each other—do you want to try?” These conversations can feel tender, unfamiliar, and even uncomfortable at first, but they create new experiences of safety and closeness. With practice, you begin to trust that reaching out won’t push your partner away, it will pull them closer. -
By the final stage of EFT, our focus will be on making sure your progress sticks outside the therapy room. We’ll revisit the old areas of conflict—like sex, parenting, money, or the little day-to-day tensions—and practice handling them from this more connected place. This will help strengthen the habits we’ve built together, so even when life gets hard, you know how to find your way back to each other.
I’ll encourage you to reflect on how far you’ve come: from seeing each other as opponents to feeling like you’re on the same team again. You’ll leave with a clear blueprint for how to pause, reach, and repair when conflict arises, instead of falling back into old habits. By the time we reach this phase, couples often tell me they feel closer and more secure than they have in years — because now they know how to face the hard moments together.
What we’ll work on
With EFT, you and your partner can …
Recognize the cycle that keeps pulling you apart, so you stop blaming each other and start fighting the pattern instead.
Share what’s really underneath the anger — like fear of not mattering or longing for closeness — without it turning into another blowup.
Learn how to listen with empathy so both of you feel seen and cared for, even when you disagree.
Rebuild emotional intimacy so your relationship feels like a safe place again.
Repair after arguments in ways that actually stick, instead of sweeping things under the rug.
Stop walking on eggshells and start trusting that you can reach for each other — and actually be met.
If this is what you’re ready for, let’s start changing the cycle.
Love is about safety, not perfection.
EFT helps create the kind of bond where you can be fully yourself and fully connected.
Closeness can be rebuilt.
Questions?
FAQs
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If you still love each other but feel emotionally disconnected, keep having the same fight, or feel like you’re walking on eggshells — EFT can help. It’s especially effective for couples who want to go deeper than surface fixes and really rebuild connection. Together, we’ll uncover your cycle and create new ways of relating that feel safer and more secure.
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EFT isn’t the right fit if there’s ongoing abuse, untreated addiction, or if one partner has already decided to leave the relationship. It also won’t help if one or both partners aren’t ready to engage emotionally or take an honest look at their patterns. EFT works best when both of you are invested in healing and willing to show up for the process.
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A lot of couples come to me after trying other therapy approaches that left them feeling like nothing really changed. EFT isn’t about homework or surface-level tools — it goes deeper to address the root of your disconnection. By focusing on emotions and the patterns between you, EFT helps you rebuild trust and closeness that actually last.
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Yes — EFT is one of the most effective approaches for healing after betrayal. Together we’ll create a safe space to process the pain, talk honestly about what happened, and begin rebuilding trust step by step. Many couples find that through this work, they don’t just repair trust — they build a deeper, more honest connection than they ever had before. You can learn more about how I work with affairs and betrayal here.
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Absolutely. EFT was designed for that exact dynamic. Often, one partner withdraws or shuts down when emotions run high — not out of indifference, but self-protection. In therapy, we slow things down, create safety, and help both partners understand what’s happening beneath the surface. Over time, even the more guarded partner learns to share and respond in ways that build closeness rather than distance.
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Every couple’s process is different, but most begin to see meaningful change after about 8–12 sessions. For deeper patterns or long-standing hurts, therapy may continue longer as we move from insight into consistent new ways of relating. The goal isn’t quick fixes — it’s lasting emotional safety and connection that hold up beyond the therapy room.