Why Libido Isn’t the Whole Story: What actually helps when sex starts to feel harder

It doesn’t usually happen all at once.

Sex just starts to feel harder.
Less obvious. Less automatic.
And quietly, you begin to wonder what changed.

When this happens, many people assume it’s a libido problem—or that something is wrong with them or their relationship. But more often, what’s actually changed is how libido, desire, and arousal show up now—and what they need in order to emerge.

I’m a couples therapist, and this perspective comes from my clinical work and my training and consultation in sex therapy.

What Libido, Desire, and Arousal Look Like

It helps to think of these as parts of a system rather than moods or personality traits.

Libido is the fuel in the tank.

When there’s fuel, sex comes to mind without much effort.
You notice your partner.
You feel pulled in that direction.

When the tank is low, you’re not thinking about sex at all.
Not because you don’t care.
Not because something is wrong.
There’s just not much fuel.

Hormones, stress, sleep, and menopause affect this.
In midlife, the tank often runs lower.

That’s biology, not failure.

Desire is whether you want to take the trip—or at least don’t want to avoid it.

Sometimes it shows up in the moment.
Other times, it shows up earlier.

It can sound like:
“I’d like to.”
“Let’s plan for it.”
“Tonight could be nice.”

It can look like planning ahead.
Shaving your legs.
Lighting a candle.
Setting a date.
Creating the tone before anything even starts.

You’re not feeling a strong urge yet—
but you’re making space for it.

You can have fuel and still not want to go anywhere.
You can also want to go somewhere, even when the tank isn’t full.

Desire is shaped by what sex feels like between you—connecting, pressured, or obligatory.

When sex feels chosen and anticipated, desire has room.
When it feels rushed or expected, it’s much harder to find.

Arousal is the engine warming up.

It’s what happens in the body once things start.
Sensation.
Softening.
Breathing a little deeper.

It sounds like:
“Oh… that feels good.”
“I like that.”

The engine might warm up slowly now.
And it can shut down quickly if you feel rushed, watched, or pressured.

Warming up doesn’t mean you’re committing to the whole drive.
It just means your body is responding in that moment.

When the Order Changes

Earlier in life, these often lined up easily:
fuel in the tank → wanting to go → engine starts.

In midlife, the sequence often changes.

The engine may need to warm up before anything feels possible.
Instead of feeling a strong “yes,” it might just look like not saying no.
And the tank may still be low without meaning the trip is over.

As Dr. Tammy Nelson teaches, this is responsive desire—desire that follows arousal rather than leading it.

Nothing is broken when this happens.
The system is simply working differently.

What Actually Helps: Preparing for Desire

One of the most helpful things Dr. Tammy Nelson, a couples and sex therapist I’ve trained with and had the privilege of consulting with, teaches is this:

desire doesn’t start the night you want to have sex.

For many women—especially in midlife—it starts days earlier.

If you want to have sex on Saturday, preparation often starts on Tuesday.

That doesn’t mean pressure.
It means anticipation.

It means agreeing on a date.
Putting it on the calendar.
Knowing it’s coming.

That space matters.

It allows time to prepare—physically and mentally.
Shaving your legs.
Picking something you feel good in.
Letting your body get used to the idea.

That’s not superficial.
That’s how desire builds.

This Is What We Used to Do

In the beginning, there was kindness.
Not efficiency. Not assumption.
Kindness.

There was flirting.
Small looks.
Playful comments.
A sense of being chosen.

There was attunement.
Noticing mood.
Reading the room.
Adjusting instead of pushing.

There was connection.
Talking. Laughing.
Touch that wasn’t trying to lead anywhere.

None of that was accidental.
It was how desire was created.

Sex didn’t come out of nowhere.
It was anticipated.
Approached.
Often exciting because of that buildup.

Setting the Tone Is Foreplay

Foreplay doesn’t start in the bedroom.

It starts with:

• kindness during the week

• feeling considered

• flowers on the table

• a familiar scent

• lighting that softens the room

Tone matters.
Atmosphere matters.
Anticipation matters.

For many men, this part gets overlooked.
For many women, it’s essential.

Not because it guarantees sex—
but because it makes desire possible.

One Important Reminder

Preparation is not obligation.

Putting sex on the calendar doesn’t mean it has to happen.
It means the door is open.

And often, that openness—combined with kindness, flirting, attunement, and connection—is exactly what allows desire to show up again.

If this resonates, consider sharing it with your partner. It can be easier to start a conversation from a place of understanding rather than pressure.

This perspective is informed by my training and consultation work with Dr. Tammy Nelson, whose clarity and generosity as a teacher deeply shaped how I think about desire and erotic recovery.